


Ally McCutestory

by dogtier



Series: Tumblr Requests [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-02
Updated: 2012-05-02
Packaged: 2017-11-04 17:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/396411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogtier/pseuds/dogtier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane is really bad at one night stands. </p>
<p>Or: Just one long Arrested Development joke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ally McCutestory

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Lantadyme for my 100 Tumblr Followers Request-A-Thon. Originally posted on [tumblr here](http://shitletsbedogtier.tumblr.com/post/22217758670/request-3-ally-mccutestory).

"From the top again, Jane," Dirk said. "I heard you putting words together but they made no sense."

"I need you to call me Ally McCutestory when Terezi comes," Jane said urgently. 

"Okay," Dirk said. "And tell us again why we need to call your Ally McCutestory."

"Because that's the fake name I gave her," Jane said.

"During your one night stand," Dirk said.

"Yes."

"That happened a week ago."

"Yes."

"And you've been seeing her ever since."

"Yes!"

"You're not very good at counting, are you?" Dirk asked.

"I'm being serious here, Dirk!" Jane said. 

"Janey, Janey, Janey," Roxy said, patting her shoulder. "I love you, but I have to agree with Dirk. You're rubbish at this dating thing."

"It's not dating!" Jane said. "Okay, it sort of is. I didn't mean to date her it just sort of happened!"

"Yes, go over that part again," Dirk urged.

"You're enjoying this," Jane said.

"Enormously," Dirk agreed, grinning.

"Okay, we met at the bar down by the docks where all the detectives hang out. I was on the prowl because _some people_ thought it would be a good idea for me to 'stop being such a tight ass and have a one night stand'," Jane explained. 

"Emphasis on 'one'," Roxy added.

"Shut it. Anyway, I met Terezi and told her I was Ally Cutestory, Maritime Detective. We had a few drinks and went back to her place and I spent the night," Jane continued. 

"Was it hot?" Roxy asked. 

"Shut. It. Then in the morning I was going to leave but she insisted on making me 'human coffee' and I realized that she was blind," Jane finished.

"Blind," Dirk repeated.

"Yeah," Jane said.

"You spent a whole night with someone and didn't realize she was blind," Dirk said. 

"It's hard to tell with trolls, okay?" Jane snapped defensively. 

"Okay, continue the story," Dirk said. 

"Right, so I found out she was blind and were joking around and she mentioned how I was different from most humans because most humans ran off when they found out they fucked a blind troll and I sort of laughed nervously and said yeah, that was shallow of them and then she asked for my number and I panicked. And now we've had five dates and she wants to meet my friends," Jane finished lamely. 

"Oh, that makes so much sense, Jane. Geez, why didn't you just say it like that the first time?" Dirk asked. 

"You're a dick," Jane said. 

"Jane, Jane!" Jake said excitedly, rushing to their table. "Sorry, Ally. I saw a troll girl headed this way and I think it's her. She's wearing neon and carrying a cane."

"Yeah, that's her," Jane said weakly. She put her head down on the table in despair. "What am I going to do?"

"It'll be okay," Roxy said, patting her shoulder. "We're here to help." 

"Absolutely, Ally!" Jake said. "We'll be the most smashing cohorts in falsehood you could imagine."

"Arghghahgh," Jane said to the table. 

"I'd recognize that pathetic groaning anywhere," Terezi's voice came from the diner's doorway.

"Terezi!" Jane said, jumping up and stumbling into Jake. "Let me pull you up a seat!" 

"Thank you, Ally," Terezi said, sitting down in the chair Jane hauled over. Terezi licked the air. "Now who would these humans be?" 

"I'm Dirk," Dirk said. 

"Pleased to meet you," Terezi said. 

"Roxy," Roxy said. 

"It's a pleasure," Terezi told her.

"I'm Jacques Remmington Magnum English," Jake said. "Jake for short. It's simply smashing to meet you."

Roxy choked on her drink. Jane shot Jake the sort of glare that when see on cockatrices turned people to stone. 

"What a curious name," Terezi said. 

"My parents were pirates," Jake said cheerfully. 

"That must be how you know Ally here," Terezi said.

"Exactly," Jake said. "She caught my mother's murderer."

"She never told me that," Terezi said.

"Oh, our Ally is quiet bashful at times," Jake said. "Come on, tell her about how we chased that ghost ship across the Gulf of California."

"I'd be... happy... to," Jane gritted out between her clenching teeth. "It's quite a funny tale."

"I have to pee," Roxy announced. "Right now."

"That's sudden," Terezi said.

"I have a condition," Roxy said, stumbling out of the booth. The bathroom door slammed shut on her hysterical laughter. 

"Come on, Ally," Dirk said. "Recount to us this tale of adventure." 

"Oh, it wasn't that adventurous," Jane said.

"Don't be so modest! I mean, that way you trapped the siren," Dirk said. "Still gives me chills."

"Oh, you were there too?" Terezi asked.

"Yes, I was a captive of the feared Ghost Pirate Queen. Ally rescued me," Dirk said. "I was shackled in the bowels of this sinking ship and she came charging in-"

"Oh my god," Jane cried, burying her face in her hands. "Please stop." 

"Now Ally-" Terezi began.

"My name isn't Ally!" Jane declared.

"Um-"

"And I'm not a maritime detective!" 

"Ok-"

"You were suppose to be a one night stand!"

"..."

"Oh god, I'm horrible," Jane finished. 

"You do realize I knew all of that, right?" Terezi said. 

"What?" Jane asked.

Terezi cackled. 

"God, humans," she said. "In the troll world this sort of deception would be seen as a precursor to a black courtship." 

"Um-" Jane said. Terezi rose from her seat.

"Get your shit together and give me a call," Terezi said. She tapped Jane on the head with her cane as a farewell. 

Jane sat in shock. 

"Hey, she's gone," Roxy said, returning from her emergency laughing jag. "What did I miss?"

Jake and Dirk just burst out laughing.

"I hate you all," Jane said.

"No way, save that for your new paramour," Dirk said. Jane kicked him.

"Awful, all of you. Just awful." Jane got up and stomped her way to the door. 

"Seriously though, _what did I miss?_ " Roxy demanded. "Jane come back and tell me!"


End file.
